Man Rant

Okay, guys. Listen up. Here's a few words of advice. 

One. Don't hit on a girl via text message whom you've "met" aka seen at work once with lines like "Good morning, beautiful" every day at 8AM. Why? Because I don't want to be woken up by your pathetic attempts at flattery on days I don't have to work at 6:30 in the morning and also because you are sad.

Two. Don't sign every text message with your nickname, or name, or anything for that matter. It's stupid and you're annoying.

Three. Don't make a fake Facebook to add a girl on, but then be dumb enough to have a link to your real Facebook that says that you are in a relationship and half of your profile pics are of your infant son and then get defensive when asked about it. Learn how to adjust your privacy settings, but more than that, stop being a lying prick and focus on taking care of your baby instead of hitting on girls five years younger than you. A 19-year old isn't looking for a family, she's looking for some fun, and you cannot give her that when there is a crying baby in the room next door and your mama is sleeping in the room across the hall. 

Four. Don't tell a girl that you are looking to date that you are a college drop out and are going to join the Army in two months because "it's what you've always wanted to do." Who's gonna take care of your baby when you're off fighting terrorists? Real responsible, jackass.

Five. Don't brag to a girl that you are, like, supes good at wrestling and invite her to come watch. A. I've banged enough wrestlers to know that you have nothing more than big muscles to get you through pretty much everything. B. I do not want to come watch you rolling around on the ground with another dude wearing spandex. It's literally the last thing I ever want to see a potential date do and it might make me vom.

Scary Things

Here is my list of scary things.

1. Being on a plane that has been hijacked by terrorists.
       -I don't care much for airplane travel to begin with
       -Middle eastern people don't scare me as much as Latinos, but one that wants to kill me would probs be really terrifying and also fulfill every stereotype of Middle easterns that has been lingering around for the past 9 years.
       -Being in a situation where you KNOW FOR A FACT that you are going to DIE a painful, burn-ey death with a hundred strangers would not be fun. Plus, I'll be with my family, so who the hell would I make my final phone call to? That will be a very hard decision and will probably be more difficult than accepting that I am about to fucking die.

2. Being haunted by a DEMON.
       -You can't run, you can't hide, you can't protect yourself.
       -Sooooooo creepy. And they are invisible, which is just fucked up.
       -I can't even explain it, but this would be like the worst thing ever.

3. Being in a serious sword fight.
       -Being stabbed by a sword just does not sound appealing at all.

4. Being chased around your home/someone else's home/a meat packing plant/a cornfield by an ax murder with a giant knife/chainsaw/brute strength/vampire fangs
       -Imagine hide and seek except if you get found you get killed.

Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin Everywhere

Here is the conclusion I've drawn: other people will make you hate yourself. I can be happy with my body, how I look, the clothes I wear, the things I say, etc, but the second my parents tell me to go to the gym or make some other comment to me regarding my physical appearance, I get self-conscious. It's a little ridiculous. Why can't people just accept that maybe some people would rather live life eating what they want and are happy with some curves? I'd rather have some boobs and a booty even if it means that the guys who are only looking for sticks won't give me a second glance. One day I'll find someone who does want what I've got and then we'll be happy. BAM WHAM KAZAM.

DUUUMBOOOOOO

The girls are so mean to dumbo. his ears are flippidity floppity, and cute. They laugh and play the clever theme music. It rolls and it heaves and scratches my nerves. Night steam is like rolling sorrow. The lightning frightens the ladies and scares the rats. PUSHINGG PUSHINGGG SINGING IN MALE VOICES. AYYYYYEOOOOO. Fuckin intense. Little cupcake pushpins. Tail spot light!! Pull the large red pencil, yes sir. Tying knotsssss with a K for KNOT. nana elephant. hey hee hey hee. I feel my skelton bones moving, like a skeleton!  deaaaaad!

Dinosaurs are legit the scariest thing ever.

Can you even imagine what itd be like to legit get attacked and eaten by a dinosaur? It would be the scariest thing ever. Think about the dinosaur from toy story....now seriously imagine that he is like 30 times as big, and evil. FUCKIN SCARY. its a mothafuckin evil lizard that is huge. Seriously could come back. They could become alive again and i would just die before i'd let myself get eaten by one! they are soooo scary! ahhhhh velociraptors are the worst!!!! GIANT CATSSSSSSS

Law and Order SVURAWESOME

Law and order SVU is the best. The music is somehow better than the other Law and orders, Elliot's life is fuuuuuuucked up-he just hit a dude! I call the asian psychiatrist B.D Wong. The therapist lady and elliot should get together. The music is sooooo good. Why are they spending so much time talking about elliot?!? they need to solve the case!! They teach life lessons on this show and give public service announcements.

Why Cats and Dogs Is The Best Movie

1. The dogs hate the cats, the people love the dogs; the people hate the cats.
2. Fucking talking housepets
3. Secret magic shuttle system hidden in dog house? Genius. Prrrrrrr genious.
4. The cat fakes the death and the dog gives in. Classic!
5. They totally kidnap that dog.
6. Movie is effin hilarious. Seriously. So funny.

Feel Good Music

Okay, here is my Feel Good Music of the Week!
Hot Tottie by Jay-Z and Usher
Only Girl in the World by Rihanna
Like a G6 by The Far East Movement
LaLaLa by Auburn




You literally cannot listen to these and not feel better. The beats are good, the lyrics are whatever, and the beats are good. Freals. Plus, listening to Hot Tottie will make you want to fuck and/or dirty dance with strobe lights. 


Btws, a G6 is a car.