Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Pocket Porn

Someone else has probably already come up with this idea, and I have yet to actually Google it to see if that's true or not, but, for the record, I totally thought of this myself. Someone (possibly me, idk) should invent Pocket Porn. It's porno that you can watch on your computer, but instead of being burned onto a disc, it's just on a flash drive. That way, it's easier to carry around and if you need to get it off your computer in a hurry, all you have to do it take out the flash drive and pop it in your pocket and no one will know you were just watching people fuck. Brilliant, eh?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Strategic Blow-jobbing

Blowjobs are not just free candies that can be handed out to just anyone. To me, they are tools of strategy in the real game of Life. For example, in high school, they should only be given to two types of guys: boyfriends and future celebrities. The boyfriend is a given, unless you want to be a prudey bitch of a girlfriend, but the future celebrities are a little harder to pick out. Your best bet is to go with athletes, because even if they don't necessarily go pro, they might become a star in college and then you can tell all your friends that you once had a D1 college soccer star's dick in your mouth (they should definitely make trophies for these types of accomplishments). When you hit college, the blowies can be given out a little more liberally, but, at the same time, not. At this point in your life, you need to start hooking up with guys to build connections....booze connections, party connections, drug connections, whatever. Sex is an amazing good to trade and barter with. Basically, if you suck your drug dealer's dick, you  can get access to high quality weed all the time, possible discounts, and possible herpes. These are risks you need to be willing to take (but you really should try to avoid the herp as much as possible). Also, if you sleep with enough guys from one city or high school, you can be named the president (or empress) of their fan club, which is definitely another note-worthy accomplishment that should probably be made into a cute t-shirt (or thong).

The Truth About Footie Pajamas

They are fucking awesome. And so useful! The dirtiest I have ever danced was when I was wearing footie pajamas at a house party. I am, however, permanently scarred because we were dancing to the "How-low-can-you-go" song and he whispered in my ear, as I am like dry humping him in my footie pajamas, "How low can you go?" So of course, I had to show him. It was at about that time that one of my guy friends forced one of my girl friends to drag me away from the dance floor/kitchen...probably because I looked like an extremely inappropriate 11-year old. I then proceeded to vomit for the next few hours. Good thing I was already in my pajamas!