Sunday, December 12, 2010

Miley? A Bad Seed? Smoking Bad Seeds? No. Never.

I just watched the Miley Cyrus bong hit video, and, honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. I think we should all have a little more empathy for her. She's obviously having a bad trip and thinking that her boyfriend is there and the kid in the background eating the Frosted Flakes (props to you, buddy) isn't sharing. It's quite sad.

Here's the vid link if you haven't seen it yet!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Cheers and Worst Fears

Pushing my friends into empty rooms with the people they are crushing on and pimping other friends out to boys at parties is my way of helping out during the holidays. End of story.

In other news, here is an updated list of my worst fears:

1. Getting in a car accident
2. Dinosaurs
4. Dying without doing all the important stuff in life: making actual money, falling in love, getting married, having kids, raising those kids with the same loose morals I have, seeing them get married and start families of their own, and, finally, dying a solid death.
5. Sharks.
6. Serial killers.
7. Fiji Boys.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Season of Giving

Christmas is lurking just around the corner, and, like most holidays, calls for us to spend time volunteering and participating in all kinds of charity work for those less fortunate than ourselves. I'm all about charity. I used to volunteer some of my time at the Humane Society, which is why I now know that all cats eat their own shit and try to tear your eyes out if you move their food dishes. Most charity organizations pump up volunteer work by emphasizing that "warm, fuzzy feeling" you'll get when you do something good. The way I see it, though, is that if I can find other ways to get that "warm, fuzzy feeling," then aren't I pretty much doing charity work? For example, I love giving awesome gifts to my friends for their birthdays. I get that warm feeling inside everytime a friend opens up an envelope with a sweet-ass Magic card inside or sees a home-made card colored with their favorite colors. It brings a smile to their faces and it brings a smile to mine. Isn't that really what the holidays are all about? I don't need to volunteer at a soup kitchen or donate all 72 pairs of my old jeans that I don't use anymore to feel good and warm and fuzzy inside. I think we should all think about this, especially with my birthday coming up in a couple months.... ;)

Monday, November 29, 2010


Okay, so as of late I have been in an emotional roller coaster that seems to have gone off track and is currently being swirled around in a vortex-ey tornado of fuck.

a) School blows Mexican dick and I'm becoming very frustrated with the admissions office and I am tempted to drop out of school altogether and become a New York hair stylist that chews gum like a cow and rants on to her clients about waxing her vag and smoking cigarettes.

b) I'm frustrated with some certain people that I went to high school with. I feel like, though they claim to be my friends, that they think I am a worthless piece of shit. I'm not sorry that I don't go to an Ivy league school or get spectacular grades and plan on working a job that will pay me enough to buy a small island. I'd rather be happy experiencing life and having a good fun while learning how to actually survive in the real world than learning how to make some chemicals in a lab. And, fun fact, being a stuck up, shallow dick will not bring you happiness, so maybe try being a little less judgmental of how other people choose to live their lives and, in the end, just shut the fuck up.

c) I feel as though people have taken advantage of my absence from Eau Claire. Apparently, from what I have heard, freshmen are being a little too sassy and other people are talking a little too much shit. So, I want this to serve as sort of a warning: y'all better watch out. I'm coming back and I'm coming back hard. I've spent a lot of time alone this semester, figuring my life out and whatnot, and you know what that means? It means I've gotten a lot stronger emotionally and mentally and also a hell of a lot crazier. You never know if your name will end up in Flipside if I have a tiff with you and I also have a tendency to scream at people through bathroom doors. And no one will earn brownie points for being nice to me on Facebook; you earn brownie points by not fucking with my emotions. And if you fuck with my emotions, I will fuck with you. (That may or may not sound a lot scarier than it actually will play out to be.)

Monday, November 22, 2010

people are complete idiots.

okay, here is why people are complete idiots.

example one. a man comes into caribou coffee and heads directly for the prepack beans. i ask him if he has any questions, and he asks which beans are freshest. i tell him that all of the beans are very fresh due to them being sealed in air-tight bags and explain that they will be good for the next three months (and point out the January expiration dates). he proceeds to look at every bag to make sure none expire any later than january, because he only wants the freshest beans. finally, he finds two bags that meet his standards, then, and i almost punched him in the face here, he asks if we can grind them for him. REALLY!? REALLY!? even if beans didn't expire for a year, the second you grind them, they will immediately lose a lot of their freshness and flavor and won't stay good for more than a couple weeks, if that. what a fucking dumbass.

example two. a man walks into caribou tonight with his glasses in his mouth and says to me, with a smirk on his face, that he can't get them out. it turns out that he put the end of his glasses in his mouth for a second while he was reaching for his phone and they got stuck in between his front teeth. he looked at me, expecting me to be of some assistance. do i look like a mothafuckin dentist? i am a barista in a coffee shop. i will NOT pull anything out of anyone's mouth. i told him there was a bathroom down the hall. he came out like ten minutes later and acted like it was no big deal. i wanted to vomit in his face.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Demons and demons and demons OH MY!

I haven't posted in awhile and that is partly because my creative juices have tanked over the past couple weeks. I can't write ANYTHING unless it's a bullshitted History exam on the American Revolution, but even then, I just use a lot of big words and talk about how awesome T. Jeff used to be. It's also partly because I got promoted at Caribou, which has been wonderful for a number of reasons. One. Pay raise. Two. Guaranteed hours each week. Three. I can quit my second job thus avoiding the demon that resides in the gas station.

The demon is real. I'm not 100% sure it's a demon, it might just be a frustrated ghost, but regardless, it is not happy. How do I know? It opens fridges, wanders around the store making noises, flickers the lights in the bathroom, fucks with the phone line and gas pumps, and just creeps me out. (I swear I wasn't high when I was working).

There is another demon that is legit, though. My coworker at Caribou, who I will refer to as Sharon, told me a really creepy story yesterday. First of all, she does not believe in ghosts or demons or anything. She hasn't seen Paranormal Activity, though I've mentioned to her my belief in demons. Anyways, she said that a few weekends ago when she and her fiance were out of town, her fiance's brother (who lives with them) was on the phone with his girlfriend in his room. Suddenly, he heard the laptop in the living room slam shut and the coffee table get dragged across the hardwood floor. He was so convinced someone was in the house that he immediately hung up on his girlfriend and searched the house up and down looking for someone. No one was there. He also mentioned that one day he came home to find the heavy, oak wood front door cracked open a bit. Sharon told me that no one uses the front door ever, so it is always locked and is also a very heavy door so there is no way the wind could have blown it open. After hearing all of this, I told Sharon to see Paranormal Activity 2 so that she could know the warning signs of bad spirits being inside of a house. Also, I told her to set up video cameras everywhere so that she could see what happens when everyone is asleep. And finally, I told her to keep the energy in her house positive by ending any potential argument or fight with, "We have to stop fighting in order not to give the demon any bad energy to feed off of." 60% of the time it works everytime.