Sunday, December 12, 2010

Miley? A Bad Seed? Smoking Bad Seeds? No. Never.

I just watched the Miley Cyrus bong hit video, and, honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. I think we should all have a little more empathy for her. She's obviously having a bad trip and thinking that her boyfriend is there and the kid in the background eating the Frosted Flakes (props to you, buddy) isn't sharing. It's quite sad.

Here's the vid link if you haven't seen it yet!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Cheers and Worst Fears

Pushing my friends into empty rooms with the people they are crushing on and pimping other friends out to boys at parties is my way of helping out during the holidays. End of story.

In other news, here is an updated list of my worst fears:

1. Getting in a car accident
2. Dinosaurs
4. Dying without doing all the important stuff in life: making actual money, falling in love, getting married, having kids, raising those kids with the same loose morals I have, seeing them get married and start families of their own, and, finally, dying a solid death.
5. Sharks.
6. Serial killers.
7. Fiji Boys.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Season of Giving

Christmas is lurking just around the corner, and, like most holidays, calls for us to spend time volunteering and participating in all kinds of charity work for those less fortunate than ourselves. I'm all about charity. I used to volunteer some of my time at the Humane Society, which is why I now know that all cats eat their own shit and try to tear your eyes out if you move their food dishes. Most charity organizations pump up volunteer work by emphasizing that "warm, fuzzy feeling" you'll get when you do something good. The way I see it, though, is that if I can find other ways to get that "warm, fuzzy feeling," then aren't I pretty much doing charity work? For example, I love giving awesome gifts to my friends for their birthdays. I get that warm feeling inside everytime a friend opens up an envelope with a sweet-ass Magic card inside or sees a home-made card colored with their favorite colors. It brings a smile to their faces and it brings a smile to mine. Isn't that really what the holidays are all about? I don't need to volunteer at a soup kitchen or donate all 72 pairs of my old jeans that I don't use anymore to feel good and warm and fuzzy inside. I think we should all think about this, especially with my birthday coming up in a couple months.... ;)

Monday, November 29, 2010


Okay, so as of late I have been in an emotional roller coaster that seems to have gone off track and is currently being swirled around in a vortex-ey tornado of fuck.

a) School blows Mexican dick and I'm becoming very frustrated with the admissions office and I am tempted to drop out of school altogether and become a New York hair stylist that chews gum like a cow and rants on to her clients about waxing her vag and smoking cigarettes.

b) I'm frustrated with some certain people that I went to high school with. I feel like, though they claim to be my friends, that they think I am a worthless piece of shit. I'm not sorry that I don't go to an Ivy league school or get spectacular grades and plan on working a job that will pay me enough to buy a small island. I'd rather be happy experiencing life and having a good fun while learning how to actually survive in the real world than learning how to make some chemicals in a lab. And, fun fact, being a stuck up, shallow dick will not bring you happiness, so maybe try being a little less judgmental of how other people choose to live their lives and, in the end, just shut the fuck up.

c) I feel as though people have taken advantage of my absence from Eau Claire. Apparently, from what I have heard, freshmen are being a little too sassy and other people are talking a little too much shit. So, I want this to serve as sort of a warning: y'all better watch out. I'm coming back and I'm coming back hard. I've spent a lot of time alone this semester, figuring my life out and whatnot, and you know what that means? It means I've gotten a lot stronger emotionally and mentally and also a hell of a lot crazier. You never know if your name will end up in Flipside if I have a tiff with you and I also have a tendency to scream at people through bathroom doors. And no one will earn brownie points for being nice to me on Facebook; you earn brownie points by not fucking with my emotions. And if you fuck with my emotions, I will fuck with you. (That may or may not sound a lot scarier than it actually will play out to be.)

Monday, November 22, 2010

people are complete idiots.

okay, here is why people are complete idiots.

example one. a man comes into caribou coffee and heads directly for the prepack beans. i ask him if he has any questions, and he asks which beans are freshest. i tell him that all of the beans are very fresh due to them being sealed in air-tight bags and explain that they will be good for the next three months (and point out the January expiration dates). he proceeds to look at every bag to make sure none expire any later than january, because he only wants the freshest beans. finally, he finds two bags that meet his standards, then, and i almost punched him in the face here, he asks if we can grind them for him. REALLY!? REALLY!? even if beans didn't expire for a year, the second you grind them, they will immediately lose a lot of their freshness and flavor and won't stay good for more than a couple weeks, if that. what a fucking dumbass.

example two. a man walks into caribou tonight with his glasses in his mouth and says to me, with a smirk on his face, that he can't get them out. it turns out that he put the end of his glasses in his mouth for a second while he was reaching for his phone and they got stuck in between his front teeth. he looked at me, expecting me to be of some assistance. do i look like a mothafuckin dentist? i am a barista in a coffee shop. i will NOT pull anything out of anyone's mouth. i told him there was a bathroom down the hall. he came out like ten minutes later and acted like it was no big deal. i wanted to vomit in his face.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Demons and demons and demons OH MY!

I haven't posted in awhile and that is partly because my creative juices have tanked over the past couple weeks. I can't write ANYTHING unless it's a bullshitted History exam on the American Revolution, but even then, I just use a lot of big words and talk about how awesome T. Jeff used to be. It's also partly because I got promoted at Caribou, which has been wonderful for a number of reasons. One. Pay raise. Two. Guaranteed hours each week. Three. I can quit my second job thus avoiding the demon that resides in the gas station.

The demon is real. I'm not 100% sure it's a demon, it might just be a frustrated ghost, but regardless, it is not happy. How do I know? It opens fridges, wanders around the store making noises, flickers the lights in the bathroom, fucks with the phone line and gas pumps, and just creeps me out. (I swear I wasn't high when I was working).

There is another demon that is legit, though. My coworker at Caribou, who I will refer to as Sharon, told me a really creepy story yesterday. First of all, she does not believe in ghosts or demons or anything. She hasn't seen Paranormal Activity, though I've mentioned to her my belief in demons. Anyways, she said that a few weekends ago when she and her fiance were out of town, her fiance's brother (who lives with them) was on the phone with his girlfriend in his room. Suddenly, he heard the laptop in the living room slam shut and the coffee table get dragged across the hardwood floor. He was so convinced someone was in the house that he immediately hung up on his girlfriend and searched the house up and down looking for someone. No one was there. He also mentioned that one day he came home to find the heavy, oak wood front door cracked open a bit. Sharon told me that no one uses the front door ever, so it is always locked and is also a very heavy door so there is no way the wind could have blown it open. After hearing all of this, I told Sharon to see Paranormal Activity 2 so that she could know the warning signs of bad spirits being inside of a house. Also, I told her to set up video cameras everywhere so that she could see what happens when everyone is asleep. And finally, I told her to keep the energy in her house positive by ending any potential argument or fight with, "We have to stop fighting in order not to give the demon any bad energy to feed off of." 60% of the time it works everytime.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Man Rant

Okay, guys. Listen up. Here's a few words of advice. 

One. Don't hit on a girl via text message whom you've "met" aka seen at work once with lines like "Good morning, beautiful" every day at 8AM. Why? Because I don't want to be woken up by your pathetic attempts at flattery on days I don't have to work at 6:30 in the morning and also because you are sad.

Two. Don't sign every text message with your nickname, or name, or anything for that matter. It's stupid and you're annoying.

Three. Don't make a fake Facebook to add a girl on, but then be dumb enough to have a link to your real Facebook that says that you are in a relationship and half of your profile pics are of your infant son and then get defensive when asked about it. Learn how to adjust your privacy settings, but more than that, stop being a lying prick and focus on taking care of your baby instead of hitting on girls five years younger than you. A 19-year old isn't looking for a family, she's looking for some fun, and you cannot give her that when there is a crying baby in the room next door and your mama is sleeping in the room across the hall. 

Four. Don't tell a girl that you are looking to date that you are a college drop out and are going to join the Army in two months because "it's what you've always wanted to do." Who's gonna take care of your baby when you're off fighting terrorists? Real responsible, jackass.

Five. Don't brag to a girl that you are, like, supes good at wrestling and invite her to come watch. A. I've banged enough wrestlers to know that you have nothing more than big muscles to get you through pretty much everything. B. I do not want to come watch you rolling around on the ground with another dude wearing spandex. It's literally the last thing I ever want to see a potential date do and it might make me vom.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Scary Things

Here is my list of scary things.

1. Being on a plane that has been hijacked by terrorists.
       -I don't care much for airplane travel to begin with
       -Middle eastern people don't scare me as much as Latinos, but one that wants to kill me would probs be really terrifying and also fulfill every stereotype of Middle easterns that has been lingering around for the past 9 years.
       -Being in a situation where you KNOW FOR A FACT that you are going to DIE a painful, burn-ey death with a hundred strangers would not be fun. Plus, I'll be with my family, so who the hell would I make my final phone call to? That will be a very hard decision and will probably be more difficult than accepting that I am about to fucking die.

2. Being haunted by a DEMON.
       -You can't run, you can't hide, you can't protect yourself.
       -Sooooooo creepy. And they are invisible, which is just fucked up.
       -I can't even explain it, but this would be like the worst thing ever.

3. Being in a serious sword fight.
       -Being stabbed by a sword just does not sound appealing at all.

4. Being chased around your home/someone else's home/a meat packing plant/a cornfield by an ax murder with a giant knife/chainsaw/brute strength/vampire fangs
       -Imagine hide and seek except if you get found you get killed.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin Everywhere

Here is the conclusion I've drawn: other people will make you hate yourself. I can be happy with my body, how I look, the clothes I wear, the things I say, etc, but the second my parents tell me to go to the gym or make some other comment to me regarding my physical appearance, I get self-conscious. It's a little ridiculous. Why can't people just accept that maybe some people would rather live life eating what they want and are happy with some curves? I'd rather have some boobs and a booty even if it means that the guys who are only looking for sticks won't give me a second glance. One day I'll find someone who does want what I've got and then we'll be happy. BAM WHAM KAZAM.

Monday, October 11, 2010


The girls are so mean to dumbo. his ears are flippidity floppity, and cute. They laugh and play the clever theme music. It rolls and it heaves and scratches my nerves. Night steam is like rolling sorrow. The lightning frightens the ladies and scares the rats. PUSHINGG PUSHINGGG SINGING IN MALE VOICES. AYYYYYEOOOOO. Fuckin intense. Little cupcake pushpins. Tail spot light!! Pull the large red pencil, yes sir. Tying knotsssss with a K for KNOT. nana elephant. hey hee hey hee. I feel my skelton bones moving, like a skeleton!  deaaaaad!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dinosaurs are legit the scariest thing ever.

Can you even imagine what itd be like to legit get attacked and eaten by a dinosaur? It would be the scariest thing ever. Think about the dinosaur from toy seriously imagine that he is like 30 times as big, and evil. FUCKIN SCARY. its a mothafuckin evil lizard that is huge. Seriously could come back. They could become alive again and i would just die before i'd let myself get eaten by one! they are soooo scary! ahhhhh velociraptors are the worst!!!! GIANT CATSSSSSSS

Friday, October 8, 2010


Law and order SVU is the best. The music is somehow better than the other Law and orders, Elliot's life is fuuuuuuucked up-he just hit a dude! I call the asian psychiatrist B.D Wong. The therapist lady and elliot should get together. The music is sooooo good. Why are they spending so much time talking about elliot?!? they need to solve the case!! They teach life lessons on this show and give public service announcements.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Why Cats and Dogs Is The Best Movie

1. The dogs hate the cats, the people love the dogs; the people hate the cats.
2. Fucking talking housepets
3. Secret magic shuttle system hidden in dog house? Genius. Prrrrrrr genious.
4. The cat fakes the death and the dog gives in. Classic!
5. They totally kidnap that dog.
6. Movie is effin hilarious. Seriously. So funny.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Feel Good Music

Okay, here is my Feel Good Music of the Week!
Hot Tottie by Jay-Z and Usher
Only Girl in the World by Rihanna
Like a G6 by The Far East Movement
LaLaLa by Auburn

You literally cannot listen to these and not feel better. The beats are good, the lyrics are whatever, and the beats are good. Freals. Plus, listening to Hot Tottie will make you want to fuck and/or dirty dance with strobe lights. 

Btws, a G6 is a car.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Pocket Porn

Someone else has probably already come up with this idea, and I have yet to actually Google it to see if that's true or not, but, for the record, I totally thought of this myself. Someone (possibly me, idk) should invent Pocket Porn. It's porno that you can watch on your computer, but instead of being burned onto a disc, it's just on a flash drive. That way, it's easier to carry around and if you need to get it off your computer in a hurry, all you have to do it take out the flash drive and pop it in your pocket and no one will know you were just watching people fuck. Brilliant, eh?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Strategic Blow-jobbing

Blowjobs are not just free candies that can be handed out to just anyone. To me, they are tools of strategy in the real game of Life. For example, in high school, they should only be given to two types of guys: boyfriends and future celebrities. The boyfriend is a given, unless you want to be a prudey bitch of a girlfriend, but the future celebrities are a little harder to pick out. Your best bet is to go with athletes, because even if they don't necessarily go pro, they might become a star in college and then you can tell all your friends that you once had a D1 college soccer star's dick in your mouth (they should definitely make trophies for these types of accomplishments). When you hit college, the blowies can be given out a little more liberally, but, at the same time, not. At this point in your life, you need to start hooking up with guys to build connections....booze connections, party connections, drug connections, whatever. Sex is an amazing good to trade and barter with. Basically, if you suck your drug dealer's dick, you  can get access to high quality weed all the time, possible discounts, and possible herpes. These are risks you need to be willing to take (but you really should try to avoid the herp as much as possible). Also, if you sleep with enough guys from one city or high school, you can be named the president (or empress) of their fan club, which is definitely another note-worthy accomplishment that should probably be made into a cute t-shirt (or thong).

The Truth About Footie Pajamas

They are fucking awesome. And so useful! The dirtiest I have ever danced was when I was wearing footie pajamas at a house party. I am, however, permanently scarred because we were dancing to the "How-low-can-you-go" song and he whispered in my ear, as I am like dry humping him in my footie pajamas, "How low can you go?" So of course, I had to show him. It was at about that time that one of my guy friends forced one of my girl friends to drag me away from the dance floor/kitchen...probably because I looked like an extremely inappropriate 11-year old. I then proceeded to vomit for the next few hours. Good thing I was already in my pajamas!