Man Rant

Okay, guys. Listen up. Here's a few words of advice. 

One. Don't hit on a girl via text message whom you've "met" aka seen at work once with lines like "Good morning, beautiful" every day at 8AM. Why? Because I don't want to be woken up by your pathetic attempts at flattery on days I don't have to work at 6:30 in the morning and also because you are sad.

Two. Don't sign every text message with your nickname, or name, or anything for that matter. It's stupid and you're annoying.

Three. Don't make a fake Facebook to add a girl on, but then be dumb enough to have a link to your real Facebook that says that you are in a relationship and half of your profile pics are of your infant son and then get defensive when asked about it. Learn how to adjust your privacy settings, but more than that, stop being a lying prick and focus on taking care of your baby instead of hitting on girls five years younger than you. A 19-year old isn't looking for a family, she's looking for some fun, and you cannot give her that when there is a crying baby in the room next door and your mama is sleeping in the room across the hall. 

Four. Don't tell a girl that you are looking to date that you are a college drop out and are going to join the Army in two months because "it's what you've always wanted to do." Who's gonna take care of your baby when you're off fighting terrorists? Real responsible, jackass.

Five. Don't brag to a girl that you are, like, supes good at wrestling and invite her to come watch. A. I've banged enough wrestlers to know that you have nothing more than big muscles to get you through pretty much everything. B. I do not want to come watch you rolling around on the ground with another dude wearing spandex. It's literally the last thing I ever want to see a potential date do and it might make me vom.